Toon In: Your September Horoscopes

By Sharon Isabel Curley


CAPRICORN:  The Minnesota Starvation Experiment began in 1944 and ended about a year later. The experiment was done to study the physical and psychological effects of prolonged starvation. I watched an interview with a man who was part of this experiment, and he said that the mental states of the men were overall intact, but the intellectual thought was altered and fizzled a bit. Edema, anemia, and other problems occurred due to a lack of vitamins and proteins, as the men were fed a diet of mostly carbs. Today, it has been proven that a calorie restricted diet is so healthy in ways, it’s also called the anti-aging diet. I, for one, am an anti-ager, and I’ve not eaten more than 1,000 calories a day since I was a teenager. Granted, my calorie restriction comes from an eating disorder, it’s proven to keep me looking young. On the contrary, unlike the men in the experiment, my intellect is much stronger than my mental state. Cappy, I can just see your eyes rolling at this. Instead of letting your eyes roll, how about letting that attitude roll off your shoulder? Try going on a restricted judgement diet. This may suspend your aging a bit.


AQUARIUS:  I thought about writing a simple horoscope for Aquarius. It would have read: At least Kurt Vonnegut didn’t say “Nothing was beautiful, and everything hurt.” Then I realized, as an Aquarian, I needed more. I need more right now. So here is something: Between Flagstaff and Winslow, in northern Arizona, lies Meteor Crater. I’ve been. Once. I visited the museum as well. I recall going into the museum and seeing a piece of the original meteor placed directly next to an exact replica of the piece of the original. Although similar, “exact” even, they were so different. Well, this is my life lately. I’m witnessing more replicas that the real things. “Posers,” as I like to call them. People who pose as genuine sweeties, and in turn will rip you apart and hurt you. This is why I decided to switch that Vonnegut quote up. Alas, I seek the original. I always have. For I am one, myself. Most Aquarians are, hence the draw to us. Keep your guard up, buddies. You’re much too special to be fooled by the replica; no, you deserve the real thing.


PISCES:  If you wanted to climb into a hole, where would you seek this hole? In a cave? In a wall? In a ketamine trance? What would you do when you got there? Why do you want to be there? Something tells me you have something you’re trying to escape from. This is okay to do! You are in control, and we all need a little escaping sometimes. You just need to choose the right way to do it. My suggestion is to do it with pride, as you will, but do it with an open mind and a heart full of goodness. The rest of us don’t want to see you disappear forever, so don’t go too far. While you’re there, though, do something for yourself. Do something secretive and funny. Do something only for you, for no one else. Embrace what it is. Then come back and be the you we all need.


ARIES:  In 1995, British rock band Gene released their studio album, “Gene”. It was a weird time. My friends and I, huge fans of The Smiths and Morrissey, were in a pickle of whether or not to like this album. It sounded so much like the Morrissey catalog, so we wanted to hate it, but instead, we embraced it. We fell in love with it. We played it during hangs and we sang along. We made references to it. We did love it. It was short lived phase, which I don’t have much interest in anymore. I put the album on, and it’s nothing but nostalgic and unoriginal. Originality is beginning to seem like a thing of the past everywhere I look. Trends are the original. Now, the coolest thing isn’t making things up yourself, it’s getting them handed to you, and being able to discuss with literally anyone, because everyone is doing it. For at least a little bit, I suggest you don’t give into this, Aries. Don’t be the trend-starter. You know you’ve got it in you.


TAURUS: I recently learned something that I don’t think I’d ever had to put so much thought into. When we are entering a relationship, or wanting to, we often put this other person on a pedestal. In the history of time, what we put on the pedestal, is a bust. Coincidentally, a bust is sometimes what we end up with. People often think about what this person does for us… maybe they make you laugh, maybe they pose as a very attractive accessory, maybe they pay for shit – whatever it is, it’s all wrong. I have always gone into my relationships with the opposite attitude. I go in thinking, “what can I do for this person?” I do little things, and I weigh their reactions. This isn’t smart either, for my energy gets drained out of me, and I am often left with nothing, and the person is left showered in gifts. Recently, I was put on that pedestal, and it became a bust. I am fully aware of the things I can do for this person, but they never thought about what they could do for me – which in turn, was the bust. This should really be thought about. There is no pedestal. It’s just two humans trying to make it work. And if y’all are at eye level, the chance of seeing eye to eye is more likely.


GEMINI: Post Sugar Crisps, an old household favorite cereal, was introduced in 1947. The commercials featured Sugar Bear, the mascot, and his nemesis Granny Goodwitch. Originally, the commercials featured Sugar Bear visiting the (often transformed) home of Granny Goodwitch, and stealing and eating her Sugar Crisp cereal. Eventually, aliens became Granny’s nemesis, and she began to call Sugar Bear for help, then reluctantly rewarding him with the Sugary Cereal. When eating sugar coated rice puffs continued as the way to start a day, the name changed Super Sugar Crisp. When sugar was going out of style, the name changed to Super Golden Crisp. Now, Golden Crisps, still quite sugary and with their Sugar Bear mascot, is advertised as “The Ultimate Late Night Snack”. Gemini, things may not feel as sweet as they used to, but as Sugar Bear would say, “Keep your shirt on, Granny.” Sweetness is in the eye of the beholder.


CANCER:  Sometimes we have friends who we feel we have a list of things in common with. Sometimes, as time goes on, we realize that list of things dwindles and dwindles. Something I realized recently, with a friend, is that our taste in music is quite different. We do enjoy the same style of old hip hop, but when it comes to nearly everything else he listens to, I hate it. If I never had to listen to another sad 60s rip off, I’d be more than delighted. The bummer is, we both like to listen to music a lot. He often likes the music I will play, and weirdly has not experienced most of it (punk, prog…). Yet, at the sight of him about to play me a song, I am already cringing. I have also realized we like different everything! Different art, different movies (he once asked me to turn off my favorite movie “The Forbidden Zone”, claiming it was “too weird” for him), different foods, and even different morals. Is it true that opposites attract? Cancer what do you do in such realization? Do you need more compatibility to mesh with your secretive ways which you’re unwilling to share? Maybe it’s time to try and find a common ground somewhere in a specific relationship. The person involved may be trying hard to do this on their own already.


LEO: Randall Dale Adams, a major subject in Errol Morris’s documentary film “The Thin Blue Line”, was imprisoned for 12 years before he was released an innocent man. Adams was first given a death sentence for the murder of a police officer. Days before he was due for execution, his sentence was changed to life in prison. An innocent man, who had the support from almost everyone involved, was still somehow wrongly accused for capital murder. During his interview from prison in Morris’s film, Adams had been in jail for 11 years. It wasn’t until a year later that he was released. I’ve had an experience with the system where a guilty man was set free. A man who went into the situation as a convicted felon, who was on probation at the time; a man who was a known drug addict, and had a previous record with multiple arrests, including two while he was on probation. I was subpoenaed as a witness 7 times in court. I watched him walk free each time but the first, for this was a time when he was in jail. How and who are we to trust? Sometimes, I guess it’s best to take matters in your own hands. Leo, if you’re feeling like you’re witnessing something you know is wrong, you’ve gotta fight for what’s right.


VIRGO:  I recently had an experience on eBay, where I was sold something which claimed to be vintage, which was nothing more than brand new. I saw the shirt for sale as vintage, but then talked to a friend about it, who let me know this shirt was currently for sale at Urban Outfitters. I asked the seller if he could guarantee that the shirt is vintage and authentic, which he confirmed for me. When I received the shirt, sure enough, it was brand new. He’d gone as far as to cut the tag out so I couldn’t see the brand, and sold me a shirt which was clearly new, and he claimed it was 26 years old. I’ve since looked on the UO site to see whatever crap they’re remaking, and I got caught up on the sunglasses page. I clicked on a pair which claimed to be “reading glasses”, but I was unable to find a prescription. What I did find was this warning: “This product contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm.”  Virgo, you’re always ahead of the game a little, for your thoughts are rampant. Don’t fall back now, because the rest of us need your guidance to steer clear of “new” ideas already made, or even poisonous ideas.


LIBRA: The night hag is a phenomenon that takes place during sleep paralysis. It’s a vision of a human-like demon who sits on your chest. She is known to make one have trouble breathing, and as you scream for help your voice disappears and you’re stuck with nothing but you and the old hag; you, unable to move. This phenomenon also poses as the true definition of the word nightmare, previous to the broader definition that nightmare took on. I’ve experienced this old hag several times in my sleep in the past. Each time has been pretty effective in instilling some serious fear in me, making me not want to sleep. These days, my waking life seems to be experiencing such symptoms. I feel like I can’t breath, I feel like I am screaming into thin air; my voice not heard. I feel useless and unmotivated. Paralyzed, if you will. Some recent, unfortunate events took place, piecing together an entirety of some serious truths for me to realize. It’s a part maybe that needed to be realized in order to get my magic back. Libra, maybe you’d got to realize some truths about you, too. We are not always who we want to be, and sometimes we are too caught up in our ego to realize that. Only we have the power to change ourselves. It’s time to take that leap into the future how you wish.


SCORPIO:  It is a strange human trait, as all human traits are, to build a facade of confidence and pride out of what is truly a person who suffers from insecurity and envy. I see the Scorpio as the color red, which also happens to be my favorite color. It’s an intense color. It’s hard to look at for too long. Yet, it’s the color we’ve chosen to color our heart. The heart, which routinely beats and keeps us alive. It’s the symbol we’ve chosen to represent love. It’s you, man. You’re the heart. You’re the sign that beats for the rest of us. Can you dig that? You are the poet, the romantic, the thinker, the cherry on top. The cherry, also red! Why not embrace that? Why not let go of your insecurities; why not see your the one we envy? Try this for a bit. Put a pep in your step, as it were. Dance, if you feel it.


SAGITTARIUS:  I have a complicated relationship with a certain Sagittarius friend of mine. She’s completely out of her gourd. She is beautiful and talented and smart. I adore her. I admire her. She’s like a sister to me. Of all the people I’ve met, I can truly say, she’s one of a kind. She and I have gone in and out of spending endless hours together, to spending no time at all together. Yet, I only ever feel close to her. My father, who is also a Sagittarius, shares a similar feeling in me. The ruling planet of Sagittarius, Jupiter, is the largest planet in our solar system. This is telling of the personality traits of your sign. For the next few weeks, try to embrace the space you take up. Fill it with everything you can.




Sharon Isabel Curley is a passionate creator of all things. As an artist, she enjoys painting, drawing, sewing, creating and styling costumes, and writing (fiction, non-fiction, astrology, and poetry). She wrote and believes that “kinship is the only ship to sail into affinity.” If you ever meet her, she will love you.