Toon In: Your May Horoscopes

By Sharon Isabel Curley


Capricorn: I recently had a strange back and forth with an ebay seller who was selling an edition of the New Yorker that came up in my search, as I was searching for a different issue. I was searching for the January 31, 1948 edition, and he was selling the July 31, 1948 edition. On page 21 of the issue I want, is the JD Salinger short story, “A Perfect Day For Bananafish”. It’s a great story about Seymour Glass blowing his brains out. I’d always wanted to be a member of the Glass family, as I related to every character so much. In his only non-Glass family story, JD Salinger put me on the hunt for my Holden Caulfield. You know the type who will roll his eyes at me and seem emotionally unavailable, but then we hold hands it’s the most present moment we share. Anyway, this ebay dude kept telling me that the issue I was looking for was the January 21, 1948 edition. He was wrong, and I knew this. I sent him a photo from the New Yorker’s website, and I told him I’d looked, and that it simply just is NOT the edition he said it was. It was until I decided to look again at the edition he was selling, that I realized he was selling the July 31, 1948 edition. I wrote him to share the joy in our confusion. You see, I know I wasn’t wrong. I had proof. And yet, although in our argument, I was right, I also made the mistake of writing a guy selling an entirely different magazine. Does that make me wrong? It’s nice to be humiliated sometimes, especially when you do it to yourself. Go ahead and give it a try, Capricorn. Revel in the lightness that follows.


Aquarius: I am somehow not a happy person. I think at some point I was. I at least know what it feels like to feel happy. It has just been a long time since I felt happy. It seems every time I get there, it goes away too soon. So I find comfort just staying mellow. I think I am afraid of happiness, because I get too sad when it goes away. Lately, I’ve been getting glimpses of it. It makes my stomach hurt. It’s like nostalgia, except that it is happening when it does and not before. People always tell me how I deserve to be happy, but do I? I’m not, and I can’t imagine it just changing. Sure, I’d like a chance to be happy. I think it is because I have all this love stuck in me, and it gets too overwhelming not being able to give any away. I’m just carrying the weight of all this love, and sometimes I try so hard to give some away, but nobody wants it. Hope is only a farce. As Aquarians, we are at least led enough by our absurd dreams, so it’s like reality is just passing us by anyway. Keep your head in the clouds, I suppose is my advice to you. Oh, and please write in if you know anywhere I can drop some love off.


Pisces: In the british comedy The Mighty Boosh, the character of Vince claims he was raised in the forest by Bryan Ferry. The episodes go on leading the viewer to believe that Vince was raised by the British rockstar himself. Yet it is eventually revealed that the Bryan Ferry who raised Vince in the forest was not the British rockstar, but “The Ruler Of The Forest”, bearing the same name. When the character is revealed in the forest, I remember laughing so hard. I’ve rewatched the Mighty Boosh, and this episode in particular, many times. It doesn’t hold up. It was SO funny when I saw it the first time. I wonder what it is that takes joy away. It’s like when someone is tickling you, and you are laughing a lot. As soon as the tickling stops, the laughing stops, too. I don’t know, maybe it’s like when I watched Howard the Duck as a kid and thought it was great, but as an adult, I’m like, “What was I thinking?!” However it goes, Pisces, maybe it’s time for you to revisit a past joy. The past joy doesn’t have to be years ago in the past, it could have been that feeling you got when that cute by walked in the coffee shop just before you read this horoscope. Go find him, dude. Let the joy BEGIN!


Aries: Richard Brautigan wrote “It’s so nice / to wake up in the morning / all alone / and not have to tell somebody you love them / when you don’t love them / anymore”. I used to dig this big time. I used to think it was a genius little ‘fuck you’, and I would even send it to my ex’s for Valentine’s Day or something, as some cruel joke. I thought it was great. Now, though, it’s different. Now I read that poem, and I realize that I was the one waking up all alone. I am still the one waking up all alone, and do you want to know what isn’t so nice? Not getting to tell someone I love them. There’s a character in a book written by my friend Justin. The character’s name is Pooboy. Pooboy is the ultimate epitome of how and why I am where I am. I’ve been sitting under a tree observing the things I want and writing down the perfect ways to get them. I’ve been performing romantic gestures for myself, and enjoying them more than their receivers. Is this a logical way to look at things? Sure- if you ask me. If I ask you, you’d probably say no. You’d say something like, “Sharbear, you just gotta keep moving on.” You know what Aries? So do you, my friend. So do you…


Taurus: I recently wrote a short little story about how I couldn’t sleep in the wee hours of Friday the 13th. I wrote: I tried to watch Friday the 13th the movie, but opted on catching up on my New Yorker instead. I read a story which mentioned lying to doctors. I just stopped doing this myself. During the story there was a cartoon with two sexy eggs drinking at a bar “What I don’t get is how one minute we’re a symbol of new life and the next minute we’re a sandwich.” Delirium can make me laugh at nearly anything, despite me being easily amused. Then I remembered that old movie “The Secret Of NIMH” I loved that movie as a kid, but as an adult NIMH is nothing more to me than the National Institute of Mental Health and let me tell you, if I knew the secret I’d be much different. Then I had a “day”dream about this thing I keep thinking about, and that was fun, because I was creating some pretty fantastical situations I wish I was in. then I realized my damn socks were still on, so I stripped down to my undies. I then couldn’t help but to imagine ants crawling all over me and in my mouth and ears and shit. And THEN the ants turned into maggots. Then I had this pretty intense cough and drank some bedside lemon water. I heard a helicopter. I wish I could find an old lamp with a genie in it. I’d make some wishes, for sure. I know what two of them would be, but I don’t think I’m allowed to say. At some point Mr. Sandman came and saved me from Santo and Johnny. That was the story. Only a head full of useless facts will find this funny. If you don’t find this funny, I suggest you go learn some more useless facts, Taurus.


Gemini: I once spent a few months house sitting at Front and Fitzwater Streets. During the time, the house had a mouse. The mouse was always climbing in and out of the trash can. The kitchen and living room area were a nice open space, so I began to sleep on the futon in the living space to see if I could catch the little shit. I named it Thomas (I assumed it was a male). I would yell at Thomas a lot, but sometimes I would just talk to him. This went on for weeks. Until one afternoon. I came home from work, and I went into the bedroom. There on the floor was a small little mouse, nearly flattened on one side, completely dead. I dropped onto my knees next to the mouse, and I began to cry. I went out and got some helium balloons, and I tied the ribbon from the balloons around Thomas’s little body. I walked outside, and crossed the street to a small park, It was here that I let go and bid farewell to my housemate. As I watched him float away into the sky with the balloons, a lightning storm came along. I knew this would be a disaster, so as it began to rain, I walked back inside. Not everything works out as planned, Gemini, but you won’t know unless you try. You need to open your mind, you need to make great stories, you need to create fabulous memories, you need to make life seem worth living.I always say: the only way to be spontaneous is to be spontaneous, and spontaneity is fun.


Cancer: In November 2000, rapper Ol’ DIrty Bastard was arrested at the drive through of the shitty washed out Grays Ferry McDonald’s. I remember thinking that was so cool, because I love his music so much, and I am from Philadelphia. It was like this weird pride filled moment. I didn’t take into consideration that he’d escaped from a rehab in California to perform in New York, or that he was probably high on drugs, or even that he got arrested. I just thought it was cool. I guess I thought it was funny that he was just out on the loose in some fucked up car with Jersey plates just trying to get some food, and was spotted by a police officer, who called herself a fan, yet took him down. I wonder how her story is told? It’s an interesting way of life how we make other people’s stories our own. It’s as if we try to make someone else’s worth our own, forgetting how valuable we are, ourselves. Cancer, as your time to shine is gaining on us all, I ask that you become the subject of worth for us. Be prepared to fill our inner suns with your bright light soon enough.


Leo: There has been a distance between myself lately. It’s measurement rings of vibrations too deep to hear. My moons are many, their light permits days, which in turn are nights. I haven’t felt hungry for some time, instead I feel weak. A weakness so familiar it must be deja vu. Weakness, and its maddening improbable humor! A large percentage of me has not cleansed itself of the filth it’s lived in for too long. I only want to learn about things which interest me. No longer do I feel the desires to swim with the sharks. I’m missing pieces all over; a woman who can knot- I should be able to hold it together. These manic states frighten me less and less. They come to me like an old yellow school bus, and I greet them with childhood memories. There I was, once a child. The distance between me and me there is far beyond truly grasping. And so I lie here, another night gone by, another wall studied too long. Now when he speaks to me, for he thinks I should learn his interests, I will rather remember this wall and the yellow school bus. Yet I will be too weak to tell him how little his interests feed me. Don’t sweat the small stuff, Leo. You’re memories will change anyway.


Virgo: MSG, known otherwise as Monosodium Glutamate (or to the laymen, “My, So Good!”), is known by the FDA to be not only safe to eat, but also a non-issue in our bodies. Yet, we pretend it’s a near death sentence, or at least as if it’s some sort of magical sleep-aid; as is Tryptophan. Tryptophan, on the other hand, is known to be what makes one sleepy after consuming Thanksgiving dinner. I suppose we blame tryptophan single handedly and disregard the endless carbs we eat with our T-day meals. As a proud vegetarian, I can tell you a food coma is a food coma no matter if you eat the poisonous turkey or stick to all the carbs. However, tryptophan is known to cause drowsiness, and MSG is known to cause “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome”. Virgo, my prideful friend, if you don’t check your facts, you could be causing drowsiness. Don’t just stick with what you know, or what you think you know, be sure to know what you know, you know? As the Turkey would say, if you’d give it the damn chance, “A-hem, it’s “L-Tryptophan” to you, you murderer of beautiful birds!” and if I know a Virgo, getting schooled by a bird is gonna bruise that ego of yours.


Libra: In the 1980 film “Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe”, documentary filmmaker, Les Banks, shows Herzog cooking shoes he wore during a bet he made, claiming that if the Errol Morris film, “Gates Of Heaven” ever came to completion, Herzog would eat his shoe. So, upon completion of the film, Herzog kept up his end of the bet. If you’re a bet maker, whether it be with yourself or others, be careful, Libra. Don’t be so sure of yourself all the time. Stubbornness is a rough struggle for you, but if you don’t humble yourself soon, you may end up eating your shoe. It’s a funny way of depicting the saying “foot in mouth”, which holds the same sentiment. When cooking your shoe, even if you spice it up and cook it up real nice, your body will still have to digest your pride. The best way to swallow your pride, in my opinion, is to do just that. You don’t need to see its significance in your shoe first. Be careful what you say, and don’t be so ignorant to the other side.


Scorpio: The fact that we are taught as children of the USA that such mythical beings exist as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny.. it seems strange. Yet, when we look back upon Greek culture, their mythical creatures are so relevant. At some point, no one thought of them as mythical at all, but as real. I’m talking Pegasus and the Centaur, horses of strength. Saint Nick seems way more legit than Santa flying around on a sleigh led by flying reindeer (with no wings, mind you) delivering presents down chimneys that not every house has. Whatever, isn’t life mythical? Do you ever go through any day believing that all you see and have is real? Food grows from the ground. Oh, here’s this little seed, in a few weeks, with a little bit of sun and water, I am going to eat cucumber salads for a whole season. A smart phone? Trump is president? Etc. Your reality is only yours. Everything you see and everything you touch really is just yours. Not another person sees and feels about a single thing the way you do. So, as you wonder now what is real and what isn’t, go ahead and accept the incredible mythical you. Be the mermaid/merman of our times, if you want it.


Sagittarius: What if you woke up, and the entire world had turned into marshmallows? What if you walked into a room, and everyone in it was also you? What if you walked outside of your house on a beautiful sunny day, and your body could only perform as though it were walking in 2 feet of snow? What if every light you turned on was the color blue? What if the stages of cancer were simply stage right and stage left, and all you had to do was turn around a little to get them right? What if it suddenly started to rain nightingales? At a recent therapy session, I asked my therapist if she remembered coming home, as a child, after a family summer vacation. I said, “Do you remember the way it would be so hot, and it smelled different in your house?” There was a staleness and a sudden sense of unfamiliarity in my so familiar childhood home. I explained that’s how I’ve been living my life. Even a new situation is the same as an old one. I know this smell, but it smells a little bit off. I had the luck of meeting a new person recently. A pretty cool (and for the record: super hot) dude. Spending time with him felt familiar, but the feelings I got while doing so were like that unfamiliar smell. How do I know this smell? If only I had the chance to turn him into a marshmallow and laugh about how silly it all is anyway. Or watch a few nightingales fall on his head. That would be funny. You’ve got to lighten up, Sag. You know, something can only be so unfamiliar, if it was first somehow familiar, too.




Sharon Isabel Curley is a passionate creator of all things. As an artist, she enjoys painting, drawing, sewing, creating and styling costumes, and writing (fiction, non-fiction, astrology, and poetry). She wrote and believes that “kinship is the only ship to sail into affinity.” If you ever meet her, she will love you.