Toon In: Your January Horoscopes

 

By Sharon Isabel Curley


Capricorn: Back when I was writing horoscopes for the Spirit newspaper, I was pretty hard on the Capricorn. This was mostly due to a close relationship I had with a Capricorn man who was terribly abusive toward me, and it made me want to lash out in my little way of letting everyone else know how crappy he is instead of me communicating that to him. However, I do realize this was unfair. My good angel is a Capricorn. His name is Jesse, and he has been sitting on my right shoulder telling me what to do for nearly 20 years. But I was tainted by the devil on my left shoulder, manipulated into believing he was going to grant me my wishes, so I gave every word and thought to him. Well, that little devil burnt his last bridge and he caught aflame. Now it’s just me and my good angel. The Capricorn certainly has a way of wearing a mask to disguise themselves when needed. I urge you to stop pretending you’re a good angel, and just be one. No more secrets, no more hiding, just you out there as you know you can be, sitting on the right shoulder of someone who trusts you.

 

Aquarius: I quit surfing the goddamn Internet and I swear I feel smart again. What the heck is that, anyway? Blind, emotionless scrolls through literal junk. I started smoking weed again, too. Now my patience exists in a pure creative atmosphere in my own sweet little brain. I am all stacked up in some goodness within. I also got hip to using Spotify to make mixes, and holy cow, I love music again. Where was I? I was on da innanet. Here’s my advice to you, beautiful dreamer… Start your dreaming again. We Aquarians are not paragons of self control, but we have a tendency to believe otherwise. Might as well pretend, and dress for the job you want. It’s time to conclude that vision of yourself that no one else believes. Prove them wrong and go buy that astronaut suit! C’mon, you can afford it. For your magic is strong and willing, and you, sweet pea – you are worth every penny in the I Ching to fall on heads. Or tails, if that’s your draw.

 

Pisces: When you are typing a letter to someone, be sure not to typo, because the receiver may be offended by, “Dead so-and-so”. Open your eyes as wide as your heart and stare at the palms of your hands until you can feel the blood moving through your veins. Imagine those veins as interstates on an old Rand McNally. Where are you traveling to, Pisces? The road signs are saying, “stay awake/stay alert/stay alive”, and yet, you’re receiving feedback about some silly typo. Take a string and tie it to a wall and now try to find its exact location on the wall across without a measuring tool. Pay close attention to everything in the coming weeks, or you just might find yourself lost in translation, crying uncontrollably.

 

Aries: There are moments in life I refer to as “The Coveted Chill Pill Sequences.” These are the times when you’ve been dosed without knowing and are seemingly calmer than you feel you ought to be. It’s like those wild manic highs when you are too happy. You can even acknowledge an awareness of your situation. Like when you’re driving your step dad’s car and it slides on some black ice right into a stop sign, and rather than worry even slightly, you just pull back and continue driving. Perhaps this is even funny to you. Well Aries, get ready, for a moment like this will soon be yours. Soon you will be crashing your car of life into a lamp post of life, and as that lamp post cracks in half, you’ll exit your car and fall to your knees feeling that unbearable lightness of being. You’ll be there, wearing my sweater, and it will become one of the greatest memories of all time.

 

Taurus: It is supposed be beneficial to realize, “And then there was light”. Well, I like the darkness; the sweet still air in the dark. I’ve only been in a sensory deprivation tank once, but that sweet stillness is one of a kind. I felt nothing. I was weightless and free like an unstuffed bird being carried away by the breeze. I had memories, I saw the future I wanted to see. Energy was non-existent. There was no God, there was no light, and there was barely even me. For that very moment, nothing seemed to matter. Who outside of my tank was even thinking of me? I could have just turned my head to the side, taken a deep breath of that heavily salted water, and made these feelings quite a reality. Alas, I’ve chosen otherwise, or I was told to choose otherwise, anyway, in a different moment of darkness. This dark place was coupled with a record playing, a written letter, and a sharp object in my hand. I stayed under that dark cloud for thousands of seconds, until I saw the light. The only thing I could see in that light was me, myself, like a reflection in your lover’s eyes. Taurus, if you’ve got a stillness in your heart – well, shake it up, baby.

 

Gemini: After being vegetarian for most of my life, I recently tasted my first cheeseburger in 25 years. I wrote a poem about it. It is titled, “Ode To Vegetarians” and it reads: “Love is like an undercooked burger; it seems scary, but it’s actually quite delicious.” Do you feel me? If I’m going to eat one cheeseburger, I better have blood dripping down my hands from it. I want to feel like the cannibal for cattle I chose to be. I want that vampirical mindset as I’m licking the blood from my plate. What I am saying here, Gemini, is if you’re going to go for something, you better go full force. What’s the point otherwise? You end up with some overcooked grey looking meat that is barely chewable. You are often good at striving to get what you want, but you have to get it exactly how you want it or you’ll never be satisfied.

 

Cancer: Sometimes when I am driving, I miss a turn. It’s no big deal. I just take a few extra steps, and then I make said turn. Due to my unlovable ways (I suppose), I am a “Miss,” destined to be as such. When you are separated from someone, sometimes you can miss them, too. Sometimes, you miss them only enough that you will know you will see them again. Sometimes, you miss them only enough to know perhaps you will never see them again, on account of death or whatever else. I’ve got one of those missing situations. A friend of mine moved to Portland from Philadelphia in spring ‘17. I miss him terribly. I am hoping for the Shel Silverstein missing piece of sorts, where my pacman will one day find its triangle. His lack of existence in my life is felt so strongly. It hurts a heck of a lot. He disappeared upon moving – to me, anyhow. I’ve no way to reach him. Sometimes, I walk the streets of Fishtown, and recall running into him. No such luck for that now. It’s a new year. Time for us all to become that “new me” we rave about achieving. If you don’t plan on making your new you anything but what you’ve got, take that Cancer energy that bares such strength and please send it to me and he reconnecting sooner than later. You Cancer types are always working toward a goal, and if you didn’t have one prior to reading this, well, now you do.

 

Leo: Do you ever have one of those dreams where you’re screaming to no avail? You can feel your whole body just struggling so hard to have your voice be heard? I imagine this is a relatively similar feeling to your waking life these days, Leo. As my sister sign, I can assure you, although we feel things differently, I can commune with you on this all day long. Except I’d rather you do the talking. I’ll sing along, but I won’t say a word. Allow yourself the freedom to carry on as you wish. If you recall, I mentioned something similar to you last month. Sit up straight, brush your teeth, add a skip to your step. This month will end with the full moon in your sign, and I ask you to please get your screams out before filling it with joy, for your full moon continues into next month, which is my month, and I’d like to keep my screams out for the moment.

 

Virgo: Sadness can be heavy, like a weight you carry around. It’s probably why when you feel it, you blink slower. Happiness is light, like speed. It’s probably why when you feel that way, you blink faster. However, a normal blink, the involuntary bink, the human condition of blinking, is just like everybody else. You blink again and again and again. Yet, the normalcy and consistency never feels redundant. Virgo, you’re always coming up with the next best idea for you to conquer. As the new year draws in, and you see for yourself many new endeavors, I urge you to think otherwise. For lightness can be weighed down again. Instead, why not try to blink with everyone else for once? See how nice it can feel to have that involuntary movement. Keep writing those ideas down, but always keep in mind, “If you can’t have the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

 

Libra: In the old children’s rhyme, “There was an old lady who swallowed a fly,” the old lady keeps on doing what she thinks will help her. First, she swallows a fly for no apparent reason. To chase the fly, she swallows a spider. Then a bird, and a cat, and a dog; a goat, and a cow, and even a horse. At the point of the horse, this woman has just swallowed thing after thing to catch the other in hopes it might help, and she dies. Immediately followed by the observation of the old lady swallowing the fly, it is said, “perhaps she’ll die”. Yet this woman keeps going without a thought otherwise. Libra, if you’re on some track that you know could hurt you, you’re going to need to ride another train before the one you’re on goes off the tracks. You don’t always know what the healthiest decision is, and it’s time for you to make some changes. If you’re hungry for something, don’t let it be grown from a maggot, instead, venture further and let your hunger drive you to create a life worth living.

 

Scorpio: It’s known that no one died during the nuclear incident of Three Mile Island. A tragic event, no less, the death toll was zilch. The poor and unsturdy collective handling of the event nevertheless brought safety in the end. Yet, death is abundant in other disasters almost always now. Has this got you feeling somber, Scorpio? Well, buck up, you little shit. What I’ve learned in life, is that if you’re going to choose to live (which I have) you’ve gotta let some stuff fall by the wayside. Sure, it seems wack to dispose your feelings on certain current events to allow room for the events and feelings of your own life, but you know – who are you living for? I’ve spent horrific days and months and years living for other people in their own woes, and often received nothing back from them. The most common words of advice ever given to me are that age old adage “you do you,” of sorts. You know what kept me alive? You know what brings on those sweet manic highs? You guessed it – I do. Don’t let yourself give up on yourself. Believe in you. It was a charming Scorpio himself who spoke such lovely words to me once. So I bet you know this already.

 

Sagittarius: I was recently watching a documentary about a cannibal, and it was subtitled “Dad’s Head For Dinner”. It was narrated, and at one point the narrator was describing the smoothness of the plot so far, until suddenly he said, “but cracks were starting to appear”. With the subtitle already being too obviously funny, but(t) cracks starting to appear had me laughing at nearly everything as the movie went on. Until I realized how terrible it was. This woman Katherine did these horrible things, and the people being interviewed were simply devastated, and here I am crying tears of joy for the simple fact that I’m easily amused. Afterwards, I committed to one Jeffrey Dahmer and one Ted Bundy documentary, neither of which was even slightly humorous. Sagi, if you’re feeling good, don’t go ruining it. No one should ever be faulted for the joys of a feather landing on your naked shoulder and tickling it ever so slightly. That feather found you.